dangermars (dangermars) wrote in remixredux09,

Ten Synonyms for Sensational (The Dragon/TARDIS Overdub) (DW/HP; Doctor, Draco; G)

Title: Ten Synonyms for Sensational (The Dragon/TARDIS Overdub)
Author: nopejr
Summary: The Doctor pouted. Draco wasn't impressed.
Fandom: Doctor Who / Harry Potter
Characters: The Doctor, Draco Malfoy
Rating: PG
Original story: Ten Synonyms for Sensational by pogrebin

Ten Synonyms for Sensational (The Dragon/TARDIS Overdub)

This young man is a wizard named Draco Malfoy.

"Charmed, I'm sure."

And this young man is not a young man at all, but a very old Time Lord who likes to call himself the Doctor. (No one really knows why.)

"Not that old!"

This was how Draco and the Doctor met:

Draco was trying to shop in Diagon Alley. It was very difficult because many other wizards were all trying to shop as well and they kept taking what he wanted first.

"I give up," Draco said.

Draco stormed out of the shop, and promptly tripped over the Doctor.

"Hello," said the Doctor. "I'm the Doctor."

"Help me up," said Draco.

The Doctor helped him up. Draco brushed himself down while the Doctor rescued Draco's wand from stray animals.

(They had been following the Doctor around since an inexplicable incident in the pet store.)

"You," said Draco thoughtfully.

"Are an amazing man?" the Doctor suggested.

"Are clearly an idiot," Draco said.

"That's not very nice," the Doctor said. "I'll have you know, I'm very clever indeed!"

Draco considered this. "No," he said. "I don't think so. Sitting in front of a shop door is hardly sensible."

The Doctor pouted.

There is something you should know about the Doctor's pout. It was no ordinary pout. It was the pout of legends.

Ancient Mayans called it the Lip Jut of the Apocalypse. On Mars, the Ice Warriors referred to it as The Oncoming Wibble. The Milliard Gargantubrain once calculated the pout to sixteen billion significant figures, and then had to go and have a nice lie down for a decade. Such was the force of the Doctor's pout that it reverberated throughout time, bending the very fabric of the universe into a giant wibbly wobbly ball of woobieness.

Draco wasn't impressed.

There was a large blue box. Passing wizards ignored it in favour of the Qudditch shop's Thunderbird, the bookstore's Wen Chang, and the pet store's kneazles, puffskeins, and owls because someone had opened all the cages.

"This," said the Doctor proudly, "is my TARDIS. It's bigger on the inside!"

"That's nice," Draco said. "I suppose."

"It exists in the precarious intersection of multiple transcendental dimensions, creating the illusion of a fixed point in any given time-stream! What do you think of that?"

"The Victorian surround? The overdone Extending Charms?" Draco shrugged minutely. "It's a bit tacky."

The Doctor pouted.

The Doctor was determined to impress the young wizard. He sent the TARDIS rocketing into the vortex. In no time at all


they arrived on Woman Wept, a continent shaped like a lamenting woman, surrounded by a storm-tossed, flash-frozen ocean. Tens, even sometimes hundreds of feet high, these massive curls of ice scraped the sky with their brittle brilliance.

Draco sniffed. "It's cold," he said. "Lend me your cloak."

"It's a coat," the Doctor said, pulling it off reluctantly. "Janis Joplin gave it to me."

"It billows," Draco said, grabbing it. "That makes it a cloak."

The Doctor pouted.

In her memoirs, Bernice Summerfield described the Doctor's pout as "like realising you need a bloody stiff drink just after last call on the night before you're shipped off to Stredge, where alcohol is considered such an abomination that to merely think of it means certain death."

In her memoirs, River Song described the Doctor's pout as "like watching a robot eat the very last chocolate in existence while it's blasting your dig sites from space with delicately sculptured, pink jewel-encrusted sonic cannons."

Captain Jack Harkness described it as "two thousand years of Monday mornings, simultaneously."

Draco still wasn't impressed.

They took a trip to Malagai, where the natives were so concerned for their environment that they lived in invisible, intangible bubbles. When the rains came, little umbrellas opened up over all the chairs and tables to keep the water off. Draco pretended to be interested. The Doctor pretended not to notice Draco was still wearing his coat.

"They can stand in their homes and still see the whole world," said the Doctor. "Astounding, isn't it?"

"The ceiling of the Great Hall at Hogwarts shows the sky, too," Draco pointed out, "and it actually keeps the rain out."

The Doctor pouted.

They went to Aqualana -- a world all but water -- and stood in the TARDIS doorway, watching vast shoals of almost-jellyfish communicate with soft pulses of underwater light.

"Biological phosphorescence," said the Doctor. "Marvellous!"

"My school had kelpies, a mermen colony, and a Giant Squid in its lake," Draco said.

They went to meet the Forest of Cheem, and there they almost caused an intergalactic incident by mentioning toothpicks at the exact wrong moment.

"Antagonistic trees," cried the Doctor. "Superb!"

"When we're not running for our lives," Draco said, "I shall tell you all about the Whomping Willow."

The Doctor pouted.

"Travels through space," said the Doctor.

"Apparition," said Draco.

"Travels in time," said the Doctor.

"Time-turners," said Draco.

"Sonic screwdriver," said the Doctor.

"Wand," said Draco.

"Psychic paper," said the Doctor.

"Wand," said Draco.

"Jelly babies," said the Doctor.

"Every-flavour jelly beans," said Draco.

The Doctor pouted. Draco wasn't impressed.

The aimed for Barcelona and arrived instead in Villengard.

"Not knowing is great," the Doctor said. "It adds mystery!"

"When my father gets lost, he usually just blames my mother," Draco said.

The Doctor ignored this. Outside the TARDIS, the banana groves stretched all the way to the horizon in yellow and green waves.

"They used to make terrible weapons here," the Doctor said.

"I'm not surprised," Draco said. "Bananas aren't known for being deadly."

"Oh, no! I planted those! I like bananas."

They walked on for a bit, and then Draco said, "So, no pumpkins then?"

The Doctor pouted.

The Doctor promised to take him to Floriana. They ended up on Yarras, where coral ruins broke across endless plains of bright purple grass.

"Are you sure you know how to steer that thing?" Draco asked.

"We must have been pulled off our path by residual black star energy," the Doctor said.

"Bellatrix?" asked Draco, shuddering and clutching his arm.

"It's a unique natural phenomenon! Thousands of years ago, the sun turned black, driving the people mad! Now only these ruins provide testament to their hidden history!"

"Neat," Draco said. "Could we go somewhere with actual plumbing?"

The Doctor pouted.

There was no actual evidence that the Doctor's pouting caused the Yarran star to turn black, though Gargos Furline made a small fortune suggesting otherwise in "Buck Up Or We'll Blow Up".

Similarly, a legally credible connection has never been established between the Doctor's pout and the simultaneous supernova of the twelve suns of Koth, the eventual collision of four galaxies, and the unexpected creation of six different parallel universes filled with nothing but chocolate cupcakes and edible ball bearings. This didn't stop Furline making a second fortune with his sequel, "Cheer Up, Emo Time Lord".

Draco still wasn't impressed.

They arrived on Pyrovillia in time to watch the mountains erupt, belching millions of tonnes of rock and ash and baby Pyroviles into the atmosphere.

"Warm," said Draco.

"You could give me back my coat," said the Doctor.

Draco ignored him.

"Magnificent, isn't it? The riot of roaring colour as the lava bursts up and falls in exploding rain? The thick blankets of ashen clouds draping themselves across the skyline? The platoon of adult Pyroviles heading this way to kill us? What do you think?"

"I think someone's in your TARDIS," Draco said, having missed this entirely.

The Doctor pouted.

The small, blue, furry thing cursed at the controls.

"Beep the Meep!" said the Doctor. "I knew there was something odd about that pet store!"

"It's a talking blue kneazle," said Draco. "How quaint."

"Curse you, meep meep!" Beep cried. "I tricked the TARDIS to Villengard to get weapons but there were only bananas! I tricked you to Yarras to get black star radiation, but you arrive too late! I've been burnt, frozen, soaked, and somehow thwarted at every turn, meep meep!"

"Impressed?" asked the Doctor.

"No," said Draco, drawing his wand. "Stupefy!"

Beep dodged. The console didn't.

The Doctor pouted.

It has been said, often by the bitter editors of fashion magazines, that the Face of Boe was as old as the universe itself. When asked, the Face of Boe is wont to answer only that it had heard a rumour once.

In the galactic median year 1422.3, on a small, eccentric moon of the plant Iosakis, the Doctor had pouted. And such was the force of this pout, or so the Face of Boe says the rumour went, that it echoed back through the twists, turns, and general shenanigans of space-time, and caused the Big Bang.

Draco wasn't impressed.

They chased Beep here. They chased Beep there. They chased him up the stairs. They chased him down the corridors. They chased him through the Wardrobe. They chased him quietly in the library, loudly in the concert hall, gracefully in the ballroom, and weightlessly in the zero room. They chased Beep with speed. They chased him with stealth. They chased him by foot and by scooter, by broom and by horseback.

"I'll build a sonic cage, align it to his Kirlian aura, and reverse the polarity to draw him in," the Doctor said.

"Accio Beep," Draco said.

The Doctor pouted.

After Beep had been turned into the authorities, Draco and the Doctor collapsed, exhausted, on the TARDIS floor. At least, the Doctor did. Draco was lying on the Doctor.

"You're comfortable," Draco said. "What's that noise?"

"What noise?" asked the Doctor.

"That thump-thump noise." Draco pressed an ear to one side of the Doctor's chest. "Thump-thump!" He pressed an ear to the other side of the Doctor's chest. "Thump-thump! You have two hearts!"

"I do," the Doctor agreed.

"That," said Draco, "is so cool."

"Well," said the Doctor, "I am fantastic."

The Doctor smiled.

And the universe smiled with him.

Tags: character: draco malfoy, character: the doctor (tenth), crossover: doctor who/harry potter, fandom: doctor who, fandom: harry potter, original author: pogrebin, rating: g, remix author: nopejr

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