Summary: Sirius and his knowledge of safe sex.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black
Title, Author and URL of original story: Remix of Professor Remus J. Lupin, Specializing in DADA and Sexual Education by krabapple
Note: Thanks to my beta, hhertzof
Sirius didn't know who was more embarrassed, himself or Harry. However, since he was the adult here he was doing his best to keep a straight face and had been doing quite well until Harry waved a condom packet around and told him of the time McGonagall made the whole class put them on bananas. The combination of the narrative, Harry's expressions and Sirius's memories of the same lesson when he'd been fifteen were enough to tax his control and he couldn't help a giggle from escaping.
Remus had once pointed out that mentally he'd never quite made it past sixteen when it came to sex, although Sirius thought he hadn't been that bad when Remus had updated him on current contraceptive methods so he could pass the information onto Harry. However, he could that tell the red colour of Harry's face was only based on his memories and not the humour of the situation, given that he didn't smile at all. It was one thing to laugh about the event with your contemporaries, but another to do so with your godfather. In an attempt to rescue the situation as quickly as possible once Harry had finished, Sirius pointed out, "There is more to contraception than condoms."
Harry instantly put the packet down and crossed his legs. For a moment Sirius fancied himself a bit of a teacher after all and sat up straighter on the bed. "There are potions girls can take to prevent them from getting pregnant and charms that do the same thing. Except they're not quite as reliable. So I hear." It's not as if he had any reliable evidence to back that up with, apart from Remus's say so. Not that Remus's word was unreliable, but if Harry asked him for proof of that statement, he couldn't rely on Remus's say so, what with Remus not being a girl.
"Oh, so there's nothing I have to do." Harry relaxed and breathed out a relieved sigh.
Sirius frowned. Harry was always so studious that he hadn't expected him to treat this like his father had. Although once Lily actually agreed to go out with James, he had suddenly found a pressing need to impress her with his contraceptive knowledge. "This is a serious business. What would you do if you found out you'd got a girl pregnant? Or caught an STD?"
"I know that." He squirmed anyway. "I just thought that would the the end of the Talk."
Frankly, Sirius felt the same way, but Remus had gone to so much trouble to make sure the others were out of the way - again - so he wasn't going to stop now. Besides, Remus would only ask how it went and he was rubbish at lying to Remus. So then he'd be forced to go back and finish the job and that would be even worse, despite it being his idea in the first place.
In the interests of making sure Sirius was thorough, Remus had left his visual aids in the top drawer of the bedside table. Sirius leaned back, reached over to open it and then fished around inside. When he pulled out a piece of parchment he was careful to make sure Harry didn't see the bottle filled with white liquid he and Remus had left at the front. "This charm's just as effective whoever casts it. I'd learn that one if I were you."
Harry took it from him and read it. "Can I take this away?"
Sirius nodded. He couldn't expect anyone to learn it that fast. Especially not with someone else watching what they were doing. "Of course. It's Remus's anyway, but I don't think he needs it back."
Although Harry frowned he said nothing, just rolled the parchment up and stuck it in the back pocket of his jeans.
When Sirius rummaged in the drawer again he nearly came to grief. For all he knew Harry would one day need lube, but there was no way he was going to discuss that now. He was still coming to terms with the idea of little Harry having sex at all. He managed to distract Harry from what he was hiding by laying down the two bottles on the bed between them. "These are for men to take. One's spermicide, the other prevents STDs."
Harry nodded, understanding, and picked the purple one up and studied it. "Which one's which?"
Sirius opened his mouth to answer but closed it again when he realised he wasn't sure. He looked between them but there was no brilliant flash of inspiration and he wouldn't be able to get away with calling Remus up to ask him. He was torn between guessing and telling Harry the truth, but he didn't want Harry to think he knew nothing. In the end he didn't have to make a choice because he was silent long enough for Harry to guess the reason why.
"It's alright. McGonagall told us condoms are always best because they prevent STDs and pregnancy at the same time." He smiled and Sirius wondered for a moment at Harry making him feel better. Not that it worked.
"I'm sorry, I'm a terrible godfather. These are the sort of things I should know." Even if Remus had never wanted the job Sirius wished James had given it to him anyway.
Harry shook his head and scooted closer to pat Sirius on the shoulder. "I don't mind. I mean, I'd rather you hadn't." Sirius smiled as Harry's blush reddened. "But it's the thought that counts."
At that Sirius pulled Harry into a hug. He was determined to be the best godfather anyone had ever had. Even if that meant knowing his own shortcomings. "I should still get Remus to fill you in on the bits I missed."
"That's probably a good idea," Harry agreed. "I reckon he'd be a lot less embarrassed than you were."
Sirius might have been inclined to agree had he not been able to vividly remember the events of a few days ago and how Remus's Sex Education lesson had ended.
Sirius has already forgotten the visual aids still laid out on the bed beside them. Potions and charms have certainly moved on since he was in Azkaban, so there's no doubt he needed Remus to catch him up on it all. He needs to understand this lot if he's going to be able to explain it all to Harry, even if not for any practical purpose. But he suspects that once upon a time, Remus had needed to know all about how to make sure not to get a girl pregnant.
He doesn't mind because Remus is here now, his head on Sirius's knee, enjoying the feel of Sirius's hands in his hair. After doing most of the talking Remus is quiet now and though that doesn't usually worry Sirius, it does make him think.
"Remus, if you're worried that I care if you-"
Remus shakes his head suddenly, Sirius's fingers bumping into his head as he does so. "I'm not."
"Because I don't." He had, for maybe a minute, before the first time they made love, that summer after they were reunited. But since then he's hated the thought of Remus being lonely all those years he thought Sirius was a traitor and never coming back.
"I know." Remus's voice is confident as he replies, but he closes his eyes and gives a happy sigh.
Sirius doesn't stop what he's doing but can't help testing. "I was gone for a long time."
"I know." This time Remus's voice is wistful and it reminds Sirius how much he missed him.
Since his other hand's been doing nothing up till now, Sirius uses it to brush his fingers along Remus's jaw and cheek. Remus turns his hand into Sirius's touch and brings his own arm up to slip his palm under Sirius's trousers to rub against his ankle and Sirius shivers at the touch. The moment threatens to turn nostalgic and they've had enough of those times, so Sirius returns to teasing. "You know, maybe if I had some practical experience with those charms..."
When he doesn't finish the sentence, Remus opens his eyes and looks up at Sirius with laughter in his eyes. Sirius loves that he knows Remus will know exactly what he's hinting at. Although given their recent discussion, it's hardly much of a change of topic. "The contraceptive ones?"
Remus knows what Sirius thinks about girls - has always thought about girls - and although he doesn't share those opinions, he never minds. "I'm quite sure those aren't necessary."
"Then again, some people prefer the old-fashioned method." Remus looks away, down the bed.
Sirius follows his gaze to where there are three discarded potion bottles: one purple, one clear, one white. He wonders where Remus gets the latter one from since he's always been embarrassed about that sort of thing when it's for himself. He frowned. "That lube..."
Remus smiles. "I may be pants at potions, but I make those fairly well."
Remus did always manage to come up with the goods when it came to exams, but that's not what Sirius is thinking of now. He knows Remus just needs a good reason and Sirius has always been an incentive. Sirius laughs and says, "I think they may need some product testing."
When he leans down it makes the angle awkward, but Remus puts an effort into the kiss that's only there when he hasn't seen Sirius for a while, and Sirius's toes curl, glad they have the house to themselves for a good while yet.
That's not the only surprise Remus has in store for him today and when he rolls his head off Sirius's knee and onto the bed he pulls Sirius down on top of him. Sirius is sort of sideways across him, but that doesn't stop Remus from kissing him fiercely and pulling Sirius's clothes all askew to rub his fingers along Sirius's skin. It's rare that Remus is so alpha male like this and Sirius likes it, so he lets him.
"I always liked you best," Remus whispers, relocating his mouth to Sirius's jaw and down his neck.
Sirius smiles because as much as he says he doesn't care - and he really doesn't - knowing that helps.
When the lesson started, Sirius had no idea what was in store for them. They'd all been expecting an ordinary Transfiguration lesson, but even Professor McGonagall handing out bananas gave them no clues. James had suggested what they might be changing it into, which they'd all laughed at, and Sirius had frowned at his small, straight and above all, slightly green banana. It was unlikely to be true because that was too simple for Fourth Years to be learning.
All became clear when she handed round little packets that at least some of the class recognised given from the titters the packets induced in some of the boys. The girls gave them looks that said they were above that sort of thing. Sirius was perfectly happy never to have anything to do with them. Remus, however, turned red on his cheeks and chin and, although he didn't mean it cruelly, Sirius laughed.
At McGonagall's voice Sirius's head snapped up and he was immediately silent.
"Perhaps you would like to explain these to the class instead?" McGongall stared at him, as she held up one of the still unopened packets.
Sirius shook his head, which for once McGonagall took as an answer and stepped backwards to address the whole class. "This," she explained," is the best way of preventing the spread of STDs and preventing unwanted pregnancy. Mr Black, can you name an STD for me?"
Horrified by this point, Sirius couldn't have told her his own name if she'd asked. Fortunately, Remus whispered, "Syphilis," and Sirius repeated it gratefully, not caring how Remus knew that.
"Thank you Mr Lupin." Sirius sighed - she never did miss a trick. "But you should have picked one without any 's' sounds, they always carry further when you whisper."
That explained a lot and Sirius was glad at least Padfoot and Mooney had no 's's in them. But Remus sank lower in his chair and Sirius was too busy envying Peter for being entirely 's' free to pay any attention to the names of any other STDs that lesson. It wasn't likely to be on their OWLs, so he wasn't going to worry about it.
"Now, it's very important that you put it on properly, otherwise you might as well not bother at all." McGonagall opened the packet and took out the colourless round shape inside. Sirius sat up straighter, having a sudden, horrifying, vision of what was going to be happening next. "A banana is a particularly good representation of the human penis."
There were a few giggles around the room at that, but McGonagll ignored them. Sirius looked disconsolately at his banana and then over to Remus's, which was long and bent in a nice banana-y curve. "Now watch as you carefully roll it onto the banana making sure not to stretch it too much or you'll make holes in it." She almost looked like she was caressing the banana.
"There's no way she learnt how to do that on the real thing," Peter whispered.
Sirius hoped not. Teachers having a sex life was a horrible thought.
James groaned. "I don't want to know."
"I'm never going to get that image out of my head." The whole lesson was going to be seared on his brain for life, particularly McGonagall bending over a condom-covered banana.
Once finished, she turned back to class to show off her banana. "Now it's your turn."
None of them dared move at first and Sirius, for one, was paralysed in fear. But McGonagall giving him the evil eye was enough to replace one fear with another and he tore open his packet. As he delicately put the condom on his own banana he looked of the corner of his eye at what Remus was doing and that gave him thoughts that weren't a good idea to dwell on in a public place, even if he was sat behind a desk. Worse was to come when McGonagall went round the class commenting on their technique and dispensing advice. Sirius wasn't sure he was all that pleased to receive only praise for his efforts.
After that, when Sirius thought he might die of embarrassment about the whole thing, she made it worse by going on to talk about male masturbation. In front of a class of girls and boys, if it hadn't been bad enough already. "It's a perfectly natural thing to do," she said and Sirius wondered how she could possibly know, since she'd never been a boy. Even the rumours didn't go that far.
And then, using the banana in a way that put Sirius off eating them for the rest of the term, she went on to use hers to demonstrate how it worked. Sirius didn't dare look away. It was like he was trapped, even though he didn't think for a minute his technique needed work given the number of times he practised it.
When at last, after what seemed like a week, the lesson ended she all too cheerfully said, "Throw those condoms away, they're no use now. But you can eat the bananas if you like."
None of them could leave the classroom quickly enough.
"I'm never eating a banana again," James said.
Nods and murmurs indicated everyone else agreed and Sirius thought he might be sick if he ever saw one again.
The worst of it was that after that, it completely put Sirius off wanking for a month: whenever he started he had an image of McGonagall in his mind and she was the biggest mood killer he'd ever known. It made him wonder for a while after that if it wasn't normal to do it that often after all, and the whole point of the lesson had been not to educate them about sex, but rather put them off the idea completely. If so, it had worked. Sirius made it all the way to seventeen before he cornered Remus and discovered just how good his masturbation technique was on someone else.