Summary: Kame gets involved in Ueda's business. It's Jin's fault.
Fandom: JE: KAT-TUN (with a cameo by Koyama of NewS)
Characters: Kamenashi Kazuya, Ueda Tatsuya, Tanaka Koki, Koyama Keiichiro (but AT-N are there too)
Original story: of twister and phone numbers by xplodey_di.
Notes: Beta'ed by the very patient maiaide, as always. ♥
It was not my idea, nor my intention to host a party. I didn't even want a party. What I wanted was a nice, quiet night alone, because it's one of the few nights off I've had in... well, I'd prefer not to think about it. Which was, of course, the excuse for the party.
"Kame's acting uptight again," Jin announced in the middle of recording. I wasn't. I just wanted to get the vocals down without spending the whole day debating lyrics that we didn't write, wouldn't write, and were set in stone anyway. Unlike some people.
"Maybe he needs to get laid," Koki said.
"Maybe he needs to listen to some good music," Ueda said.
"Maybe he needs to have something to eat," Taguchi said.
"Maybe he needs to go out drinking," Nakamaru said.
"Party time!" Jin said, at which point there was nothing I could do about it.
KAT-TUN is defined by its differences most of the time, built on the premise that even such clashing personalities can survive together, but it is a truly unstoppable force when we happen to agree. So two little words from Mr Party Time that everyone wanted to hear, and before I knew it everyone was planning (arguing about) what music to bring, what alcohol to prepare, and what snacks to buy.
I'm not sure how everyone decided the party was going to be at my house, either, but like I said: Unstoppable force.
I will admit that I was skeptical of the idea at first, but - like with most circumstances I find myself in that are in any way related to KAT-TUN - after the initial shock, I found it within myself to settle down and go with the flow. (Letting things go is the hardest thing to do, but it's the only way we live to fight another day.) And thus it was with the party.
The alcohol may have helped.
"Don't you feel less uptight now, Kame?" Jin asks, grinning in what he probably thinks is a charming manner, leaning his head on my shoulder. I've already had too much to drink (I lost count after the sixth beer and second tequila shot), so instead of scowling at him like I probably would have otherwise, I smile and pat him on the head.
"I feel more drunk and less awake?" I offer, surveying the room for signs of imminent spills or breakages. Thankfully, though, there are none: Taguchi's fiddling with the stereo system,trying to put the album he chose on shuffle (though I'm not sure why - it's a party mix and the songs flow from one to the next), Nakamaru has decided to take a nap on the floor, while Koki is sitting on the other couch listening in rapt attention to Ueda relate a story of some obvious interest.
"I just don't understand why he did it!" Ueda's saying, one hand slapping his leg to show how much he doesn't understand. I'm only listening to Ueda and not Jin because Ueda's eyes crinkle up when he's animated, and he's only so animated when he's drunk. Jin is, in fact, talking to me, but I've acquired the skill to be able to filter out what he says and still make the appropriate listening noises. It's a skill borne of necessity.
"Well, what did Jin say?" Koki asks, practically on the edge of his seat, and I'm pretty sure that Ueda's story can't be that interesting, but from the way Koki is swaying in his chair, he might be that drunk.
"He said -" but Ueda stops himself, shaking his head and the glass of wine in his hand sloshes dangerously close to the edge. Thank god it's white. "No, I have to tell you the whole story. So yesterday, we're in the recording studio, sharing lyrics or talking about Gackt or something, and he gets a message from I don't remember who - Mastumoto-kun, maybe - asking if he knows Yamashita-kun's new number. So Jin flies into a fit, throwing pieces of paper around and calling everyone he knows, even people who don't even know Yamashita, asking them if they have his new number. Finally he gets hold of Toma-kun, who has the number. Anyway, this is all beside the point -"
I take the opportunity to look back at Jin, who's still talking about something (I'm fairly sure it has to do with hats - or maybe teddy bears), and he hasn't yet noticed that I'm not listening to a single word he's saying. I smile at him, and he grins, pacified again for the moment. I look back over at Koki, whose expression says he's listening to what could be the most interesting thing he's heard in years, and I'm pretty certain I picked the right conversation to listen to. Even if Ueda and Koki have no idea I'm even listening.
"- and I have no idea why he's just used my phone, but I ignore it. You know, it's Jin." It's amazing how much that explains. "So today, when I go out for lunch, Jin asks me to bring him back something. Which I agree to, because apparently I can't say no to puppy dog eyes -"
"It is a weakness, I'll give you that," Koki agrees, which only earns him a pout. I fight back a giggle because a pout on Ueda's mouth is just about the funniest thing ever. Even when I'm not drunk.
"Anyway, I couldn't remember what he asked for as I come back, so I message the idiot which one he wanted - taiyaki or takoyaki. He answers taiyaki, so I pick it up for him and make my way back."
The punch line had better be coming soon, I think, and drift back to listen to Jin's words for a moment. He says something about a pleather fedora and then decide that I don't care if the rest of Ueda's story is about what Jin had for lunch and how many times he chewed it, it will still be more interesting than anything Jin might be saying.
"- Koyama just knocks into me - wham! And before I have any idea what's even going on, Jin jumps on my back and asks for his food. Then he tells me he didn't ask for taiyaki and I realize something very strange is going on. Turns out, Koyama's number is in my phone. In all the fluster of trying to find Yamashita-kun's new number, they'd decided giving Jin Koyama's number for emergencies would be a good idea."
"That... doesn't make any sense," Koki says, voicing exactly what I was thinking. I give Jin a funny look but he just grins back at me as he speaks, his head lolling on my shoulder.
"I know. But it's Jin. And Yamashita." Again, a perfect explanation. "And to make things even less sensible, Jin took my phone to remember Koyama's number, and put it under his name."
"... What," Koki says, and it's not even a question, just a statement of how ridiculous it all sounds. Now, I might not be any more sober than Koki, but it really does not make any sense.
"I know," Ueda enthuses, eyes wide and this time a little bit of wine does spill out of the glass and I can't help but tense as the liquid hits the couch cushion. "And guess what the idiot put his name in as?"
But I don't get to hear what it is, because Taguchi bounds over to the couch where Jin and I are sitting and bursts through my nice no-Jin filter with an excitable "this CD is so great, don't you think?" I give Taguchi an uncertain smile, taking another sip of the drink in my hand (something clear with tonic water) so that I don't have to answer him. Thankfully, Jin agrees wholeheartedly and they start a conversation I don't doubt will end in tears.
Before they manage to rope me into the conversation, I see Koki run into the hallway as gracelessly as you could expect an extremely drunk hip-hop artist in baggy clothes and laden with necklaces to run. Ueda follows calmly, a roll of his eyes and I excuse myself from Jin's side (extracting myself, more like) and catch up to Ueda, who takes a sip of his wine and looks over at me.
"Why did Koki run off?"
"He stole my phone," Ueda replies blandly. "It seems to be becoming a habit of KAT-TUN's lately." I laugh, and Ueda gives me a strange look as if to ask what planet I come from (this happens so often, Jin has taken to answering "Pluto!", to which Nakamaru always replies that Pluto is no longer a planet, and the whole thing descends into a discussion about modern astronomy). I shrug as we round the corner to see Koki crouched on the floor beneath the side table, giggling as he waits for an answer on the other end.
"Woah," Koki says at length, his eyes growing wide as he stretches out the syllables and looks up at us. He doesn't seem confused in the slightest at my presence and just grins, looking very excited all of a sudden. "It really is Koyama! Ueda, it's Koyama!"
"I told you it was," Ueda says, his face pinching in an annoyed expression. "Give me my phone back now."
Koki looks surprisingly small underneath my furniture and doesn't look like he's going to give the phone back any time soon. "Meanie," he says, sticking out his tongue for added maturity points, and Ueda sighs, puts his glass of wine on the side table, and reaches down to pull not only his phone from Koki's grasp but Koki from this crouched position. He puts the phone to his ear and wrestles Koki into a headlock, taking what would look like a leisurely stroll up and down the hallway if it weren't for the person under his arm.
"Komama-san," Ueda says into the phone, and I'm not sure I've heard anything funnier than that this evening. And that includes a pun rap that Taguchi performed earlier. I stifle a laugh and Koki seems to be doing the same, but his head keeps smacking into the wall as Ueda stumbles along my hallway, so I'm not quite sure it's not his grumbling in pain.
"Right," Ueda says after a moment, obviously having been corrected. I feel sorry for Koyama, who was probably asleep (NewS don't party on weeknights like we do). "That's what I said." But Koki finally chokes out "K-Komama?" and Ueda finally sees his mistake. "Or not."
Which is about the same time I hear someone scream in the living room. From the sound of it, it's Nakamaru, and when I leave the drunk dialing scene in the hallway, I discover that Taguchi and Jin - far from being at each other's throats over a shitty party mix - have teamed up to play one of the oldest pranks in the book. Whipped cream in a sleeping man's hands (it's meant to be shaving cream, but the whipped cream was already out. Don't ask). Nakamaru looks like he is about to murder someone, while also still looking like he has sleep in his eyes, with patches of whipped cream all over his face and hair. I assume the two perfect peaks over his nipples were put there by Jin for added amusement.
At least, I console myself, nothing is broken and the cream hasn't actually gotten on any furniture. There's a little on the hardwood floors, but I can live with that. I take a congratulatory sip of my drink and exhale contentedly. They haven't ruined anything yet.
'Yet' doesn't last very long, though, because the next moment I hear a crash from the hallway. A serious crash - a glasses-breaking and things-scattering sort of crash - and I rush back to the hallway to find Ueda and Koki sprawled over the floor, my side table upended, Ueda's wine glass broken, picture frames all over the place, the bowl of fruit and its contents upside-down, and who knows where my keys have gone. I blink, slowly, as Ueda and Koki's giggles fill the hallway, before moving to rescue Ueda's phone before the pooling wine spill gets to it.
"Hello? Who is this?" I ask, apparently having forgotten that I already know who was on the phone.
"I'm... Koyama?" He sounds uncertain, and I would laugh but I'm currently looking at the destruction of my side table and watching Koki splash Ueda with spilt wine. Ueda reaches for a shiny red apple and I only just remember that I have to respond to the person on the phone.
"What?" I sound a little too angry, and then remember that I already knew what's going on... well, sort of. "I mean... what? Koyama-san, why are you on the phone with crazy drunk people?" My brain skips the part where I mean to imply that he should have hung up and gone to sleep already, but I don't bother correcting myself.
Mostly because Koki giggles and says "Komama-san" to himself a few times in various different voices, and Ueda says through a bite of his apple, "Hey, we're not crazy, you're just mad we think you should take a break."
Goddamn, not even when I'm actually relatively relaxed can I cut a break with these people. "How can I take a break with you guys around?" I snap, forgetting entirely that I'm still holding a phone to my ear. Ueda and Koki look sufficiently chastised, but also utterly distraught: Koki looks like he's about to cry, and Ueda's just chewing his apple very slowly (sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between "upset" and "about to maul you" with Ueda).
"I... I didn't mean that," I say, trying to mollify the drunk people on the floor of my hallway. Chances are Koki would start crying, which would just attract the others and then Jin would start crying and it would be a mess. Well, more of a mess than it already is.
They remain silent. "Guys?" I have no idea what to do, and, quite frankly, have started to panic a little on the inside. I take a quick drink as though that might help, but Ueda just wrinkles his nose as though he thinks it might be distasteful.
"Apologize?" A voice whispers right into my ear and for a moment I think my subconscious has gotten really loud before I realize that Koyama is still on the phone, which is still pressed to my ear. Why he hasn't hung up is beyond me, but I don't really care because at least he is handing out advice at the same time.
"Sorry?" I try, coupling it with a hopeful smile and what should be a cute tilt of the head and the slightest shrug.
"We don't forgive you," Ueda says simply, the look on his face pulling a gasp from my throat. My shoulders drop and the feeling of panic is starting to get a little more pressing.
"I didn't..." I start, about to defend myself, but Koki cuts me off.
"Yeah, we know," he says kindly, but the look on his face as he pulls himself to his feet (with some effort and Ueda's help) makes me more nervous than reassured. "But even crazy drunk people can get hurt feelings. We're willing to forgive you though! On one condition."
"... What is that?" I ask, eyeing them warily, both of them now standing. The glint in Koki's eye can never be trusted, and from the way Ueda seems to be fighting off a smile I know I should be worried. They don't actually reply, but before I have the time to escape before anything scary happens, they've jumped over the wreckage that is my side table and tackled me to the ground.
I scream, because having the strongest person I know and the person with the most jewelry I know attack me to the ground is a frightening prospect, and I have no idea what they're about to do me. It's not going to be violent (it would have just been a few well-placed punches) but the worst case scenario flashing before my eyes is a tickle attack. I don't think my full bladder can handle it.
"Don't be such a girl, Kame-chan," Koki says, giggling as he wraps his arms around my middle. "It's just a hug!"
"Get off!" I yell, thrashing my legs around because they're the only limbs free I have, what with Ueda pinning my arms down with his arms around my shoulders. "I'm never letting either of you into my home again! Get off!"
It doesn't help.
"Oh, we love you too, Kame-chan," Koki coos, grinning up at me and I could very easily knee him in the balls, but I'm not actually that mean. At least they're not tickling me.
Ueda takes the phone from my hand (and I had forgotten it was there again) and presses it to his ear. I feel slightly ignored, but it's for the best. Ueda tries to put the phone on speaker but fails. "Oops," he mumbles, before pressing the right button. "Sorry for dragging you into this, Koyama-san. You must be tired."
"It's fine," Koyama says, the voice tinny and it's obvious he's hiding a yawn behind his words. I feel his pain.
"Ummm... no," Ueda replies as though it's obvious that everything is not fine, and Koki reaches for the phone, fumbling over it as Koyama tries to say something. "Hey," Ueda protests, and I'm not really sure why, seeing as it's on speaker, and he just holds it in front of him, resting his hand on my chest.
"Let go of me while you fight over the phone," I say wearily, but go unnoticed (which is probably lucky; there might have been tickling).
"We'll definitely repay you," Koki says, his words heartfelt and I can tell he means them. Ueda rolls his eyes and makes a twirling motion with his fingers to get him to wrap up the conversation. "Er. Well. Good night."
"Ah... Good night. I mean! That's not necessary, really-" but Koki hangs up in the middle of Koyama's protest.
Ueda snatches his phone back and then hits Koki over the head with it. "Why did you say that!" he shrills, and I feel a little awkward, each of them with one arm still around me.
"Well, we woke him up in the middle of the night and molested Kame while talking to him on the phone, doesn't that deserve some sort of repayment?" Ueda opens his mouth to reply to Koki, but doesn't get to say anything before he is cut off.
"Why are you molesting Kame and who was on the phone?" Jin's voice floats into the hallway, drowning out Nakamaru's quieter but much more sensible "why is the side table on the floor?" Ueda and Koki get to their feet, leaving me sprawled and, frankly, a little cold (it doesn't help that there is a wet patch on my chest where my drink spilled in the tackle-hug). I sit up, noticing only now that I landed dangerously close to the broken glass and I glare up at Ueda and Koki before turning to the others for sympathy.
"I have no idea why they were molesting me, and they were on the phone to Koyama-kun," I reply, the very word 'indignant' running through my veins as I make my way to my feet, avoiding the broken wine glass as carefully as someone of my level of inebriation can manage.
"I only wanted to check -" Koki says.
"He was being an idiot -" Ueda says.
"Why Koyama?" Nakamaru says.
"That broken glass looks dangerous," Taguchi says.
"I didn't mean to leave his number in your phone!" Jin thunders, and then the following happens: Taguchi and Nakamaru make confused noises and demand to know what's going on, Ueda puts his hand over his eyes as though hiding from the stupidity, Jin pouts and launches in to his version of the story, while Koki giggles in the background chanting 'Komama-san' in strange voices.
To escape, I clean up the side table. Nobody notices when I clean anyway, and this time they have a thoroughly engaging discussion on their hands. Cleaning up is easier than expected (though cleaning up the glass around Koki's feet proves to be difficult as he can't stand still lest he list to one side too much), with only the wine glass and a picture frame as casualties, and nobody remembers to ask for my input until the conversation dies down.
"Kame," Koki bursts out, and I turn around from the side table so fast my head spins. "Lilies or irises?"
"Irises," I reply without thinking. And then I realize that this is probably the beginning of something that could have disastrous effects.
I'm not really sure what's going to happen but all I know is this: when they agree, KAT-TUN is an unstoppable force.